the jello mold of wonder

we're all just wigglin' in it

Hi.

It’s been awhile, and I’m not in the mood to apologize for that. I’d like to just plow forward and state that we are all just shrimp and celery in the great vintage Jell-o mold of uncertainty. Suspended in a giant, glossy lime and mayonnaise flavored question. For eternity, it has been so. Being sure has always been a fool’s errand. This current moment though, is making me feel like a pissed-off preteen. I want to know something. I want to be right. I want to feel like I know what is going to happen. But in many metaphysical and concrete ways, this is not possible. It makes me want to slam my bedroom door REALLY HARD in somebody’s face (or many somebodies… as Utah Philips said, "the earth is not dying, it is being killed, and those who are killing it have names and addresses”).

In my little corner of the confusing universe, there are pressing questions with no answers. Will the system that handles student loans completely collapse or disappear, or will my grants that pay for college go up in smoke? Will my mysterious chronic pain flare up tomorrow, rendering it nearly impossible to drive, sit, work or do much besides lay down? Will the doctors have a new idea for me this time, or will my own new ideas (that I need doctors’ help to execute) help my condition? Will my medicaid disappear, rendering my access to that care impossible? What will I do for work if my pain never gets better? Will I know if or when I should change my mind about moving my queer family out of the country? What terrible thing is coming that I must somehow prepare for, first? Natural disaster? Extreme scarcity due to ecological collapse? No water? Civil unrest? A fun combo? And what mundane thing will completely enrage my three year old next? Last night, it was a fan being on in his bedroom to circulate the very warm and humid air.

To solve these unsolvable puzzles I have made some choices, which are based almost entirely on guesses (some more educated than others). The other decisions made themselves, and I will have to just deal with their consequences no matter what. This is oddly comforting to me. I took out my first student loans. It feels risky as hell, but I find myself so often unable to work that I can’t see another way to feed my family. If tomorrow, my access to school disappears… well then I guess I join the majority of Americans and be in debt. I will then, um, create a whole new life-plan? Assuming the loan money does come in, that solves my need to rely on my body for work. I can do school work from bed, and my son has adapted beautifully to my occasional need to do very little. He has even begun to help out around the house a little. I love school, and I think I will do it for as long as I can. Maybe this will buy me some time to get a new lease on my physical life? Only time can tell. Moving on, none of us really know exactly how “the shit will hit the fan”. Like most of us with an anracho/diy background, I have been preparing for collapse for my whole adult life. As for what to do now, I am moving slowly and gently in a directions that might help myself and community, depending on what does potentially go down. I have started a little go bag, and I plan to be as intentional as possible about storing food from the gardens this year. I keep the gas tank half full or more most of the time. My coparent is more reluctant to leave our red state (let alone the country) than I am, and less able to do so. But neither of us are ready to give up our greatest resource: the community we have here.

I’m talking about people who love us like family, pretty damn unconditionally. They take care of my kid, they take care of me when I am hurting. My friend (who is my son’s bestie’s mom) grows a lot of my produce and she says she won’t let the apocalypse take me first, and Jonah works on her farm and gives the best parenting advice I’ve ever heard (and only if I ask). I asked Nettie about what to do when I feel urgency that is unhelpful, and they said exactly the right things. My long-distance best friend came to visit and gave me the best mothers’ day ever, by helping me do a lot of not-very-motherly things until very late at night. My landmate is always fixing stuff here on our mini-land and all over the place, my lover reminds me how to be patient about relationships (even though that is maybe the only way he is more grown than me). My ex-wife and I are beating the odds by living under one roof and raising our son, even though we broke up and it was very un-cute for awhile. My friends who are here all the time, the ones who aren’t, my actual sister in NYC who is so soft and smart and supportive even from over there, and even my dad and stepmom, they are all working together with me to keep all the wheels turning.

So the point is, if you are feeling swept off your feet by the not-knowing, I have no real advice but to just float or wiggle in it. Lean in to what is really working for you, and I hope that one of those things is your own community! Always sending big prayers for the collective liberation of all people, and for justice and protection for our more-than-human kin everywhere. I hope you like my little myspace, my diary, and that it brings you some comfort. Thank you for reading.